Parenting through the Pain

I truly believe that unless you have had a migraine, you just don't understand.

Childbirth without pain meds? I'd rate that pain about a 6 or 7.

Elbow fracture in three places? Now that was a good solid 8.

But migraines - oh, mine go to 11.

I try to keep going, but sometimes I can't. I move my head, I puke. I can't open my eyes. I can't move. At my worst, all I can do is wrap my head in a blanket to block out all light and noise and lay perfectly still. I can't even sleep because it just hurts too bad.

Elise told me the other day that she likes Erik better because he does fun stuff with them. Marc added that it was true and I was always missing the cool things because I was sick and just wanted to sleep all the time.

And my heart broke into a million little pieces right there. I wanted to make sure they understood that I hate to miss those things. I wish I could be there. Marc wanted to know why I didn't go to the doctor to get better.

But it just isn't that simple, so I tried to explain it - I am trying, I am going through all these tests, I am trying different medicines. There is just no magic solution.

Even Erik was really shocked when he realized there is NO CURE for migraines. I can try to control them. I can try to raise my threshold. I can try to avoid triggers. I can try to shorten them when I get one.

I am now on daily preventive medicine. But even with this - the best I can hope for is instead of 10 migraines a month, I will only get 2 or 3.

But how do I explain this to my kids? All they know is that I missed the trip to the aquarium and I missed the camping trip and I didn't go with them to see Grandma and I can't play cards with them because I was sleeping and Marc can't practice the drums right now because it hurts my ears.

And now, Marc has started having migraines too. He vomits, lays in bed with the covers over his head, and tells me it looks like his animals are vibrating. So far he seems to respond well to just ibuprofen and a coke and some sleep. But when he has them he begs me not to send him to school - he says the lights in the school are torture.

I am taking him in a few weeks to a pediatric neurologist. I don't want this for him. I feel horribly guilty about my crappy genetics.

For now, still going through all the diagnostic steps. Bloodwork is fine, eyesight is fine, neurological exam was abnormal but that might just be from the medication, MRI is done - should get the results next week, next up is an EEG.

Avoiding aspartame, MSG, alcohol, and trying to narrow down other triggers I might have. Keeping my sleep schedule the same, even on weekends. Have a yoga program for migraines that I am starting.

I am trying to take advantage of my good days to spend time with my kids doing fun things. Even when I have a migraine, I try to at least spend some time with them, cuddling and quietly reading. They are learning to help, bringing me an ice pack, closing the blinds - they even know which meds are which when I can't get out of bed to get them myself.

Still. It just pretty much sucks.

Happy Valentine's Day

Nobody is awake yet and I've had an extended vacation to take care of all my pets, fish and crops on Facebook so I figured I should update my blog.

It's Valentine's Day so I'm feeling romantical. I was looking back through old photos trying to find a picture of Erik & I together to update my picture on Facebook and well... it's just strange watching 10 + years go by in photos and trying to grasp how long it's been but how fast it's gone.

We've been together now over 15 years. Married for 11. Two kids, house, minivan, cats. Good times and bad times and really wonderful times and really crappy times.

Compromises over time - ketchup can go in the fridge, but Santa does not wrap presents. Yes another cat, but I have to scoop the cat boxes and help vacuum. Erik gets to sleep in on Saturdays, I get to take a nap after lunch.

Some compromises took care of themselves - two kids, maybe a third - but then nature took care of that decision in the end. Work getting in the way... then new jobs and a routine fell into place.

Some compromises we are still working on - how to discipline the kids? What sweaters are okay to put in the dryer? Is it okay to let the cats sleep on the dining room table? It the house messy or just lived in? How late should the kids stay up? Who do we spend holidays with?

I sometimes look at out wedding picture and think, wow we look so happy and SO young and really - we just had no idea what we were in for...

But I am happy that after all this time, I can still kiss Erik at the place right behind his ear and he'll stop whatever he's doing and get a little shiver down his spine and sigh. And he can still make me laugh so hard that I get the hiccups.

RDO

I think the thing I might love best about my job is the RDO - Regular Day Off. I work 9 hours each Monday through Thursday, which equals an extra 8 hours per pay period - hence - every other Friday I do not have to go to work.

I find myself loving the RDO - weekends are busy. Soccer, grocery store, laundry, etc. The RDO is just... open. It's a "me" day. I make my appointments, run my errands, watch my brain candy TV shows on the DVR, take a nap curled up with my kitties, catch up on my blog and read all my family's blogs.

I am happy it is Autumn. I love the cooler weather, sweaters, pumpkins, all that stuff. I just ordered Halloween costumes for the kids and I wonder if this will be Marc's last year that he will want to dress up. Even this year, he had a hard time picking something he wanted to be - everything was for "little kids".

He has grown up so much. He has been "off" the past few weeks - grumpy, clumsy, fussy. I measured him on Sept 14th and again this week and he'd grown almost 1/8 inch. IN TWO WEEKS. No wonder he says his body feels all wonky. He's home sick with me today - he missed yesterday too, with a yucky cough.

I worry so much about him whenever he gets sick. His asthma is much much better now, but when he gets any sort of cold it still acts up. Yesterday he had to use his inhaler 5 times. I kept him home again today because he just sounds so awful, I'm afraid he will distract the entire class with his barking.

Lisey was MOST upset that she had to go to school. Again, when Marc got to stay home. She is just so full of sass, sometimes I can't decide whether to laugh or cry about that. I never worry about anybody taking advantage of her. She has no problem expressing if she feels she is not being treated fair.

But she is funny, creative, and helpful. When I was sick earlier this week she brought me my medicine and water so I didn't have to get out of bed - so sweet and kind. She loves animals and animals love her. She even takes care of her stuffed animals with such tenderness. She wants to be a vet and I think that would be a perfect fit for her.

It is getting difficult to continue typing, as Itty Bitty (who is neither Itty nor Bitty any more - he is a year old now and bigger than Charlie) has determined that the most inconvenient place for him to be at this moment is RIGHT IN FRONT of the computer screen. He likes to chase the cursor as I type.

When he does that, I like to print something. He hates the printer and as the paper feeds through it he will attack it. It's hysterical. He can be anywhere in the house and when he hears the whirrrrr of the printer starting up, he come running and pounces.

Off for errands now. Post office, dry cleaner, bank... Another lazy RDO.

Buzz

I arrived at the family haircut appointment after everyone else. I had to work until 4... when I arrived at 4:25 Marc had a buzz cut and Erik was getting one too.

This was Marc's idea - he recently signed up for parks & rec soccer and apparently this is the cool haircut to have. He seems to like playing soccer so far, though it's hard work for him. He has never played before and is on a team with kids who have been playing since age 3, so he's got some catching up to do.

I am so used to seeing Marc with his classmates - who are all a year or so older than him. So seeing Marc with this soccer team who are all his same age? Whoa - I didn't realize how TALL he is. And BIG. He's one of the biggest kids on his team. Erik is trying to teach him to use that to his advantage in defending.

It was just very weird to have Marc coming in the house, with his shin guards and cleats and he smells like A BOY. No little kid left in him at all. He is all boy.

He will be in 4th grade this year and will be getting to start instrumental music. He already told me he wants to play drums. He loves drums on Rock Band and he is actually quite good. Once he has heard a rhythm a few times, he can play it without trouble. Still - I remember 4th grade. I remember my first band concert. It is strange to think of Marc as being that old.

We are thinking about buying a new car in the next few months. Erik pointed out we should buy something that would turn into a good first car for Marc. It took me a minute but he is right - we've had the xterra now for 8 years. When we are ready for the next car... Marc will be 16.

That is just too much for me to comprehend.

Adventures in Tonsil Removal

So Erik got his tonsils taken out this past Monday. What an adventure it was...

He was scheduled for 7:00 Monday morning. That was changed at that last minute to 8:00. We woke up early and drove to Bel Air. He was scheduled at a surgery center.

Those of you who know Erik probably also know he is deathly phobic about needles. Not just doesn't like them - he literally passes out at the sight of needles or the smell of rubbing alcohol. It's bad.

Knowing this, his doctor gave him an Rx for Valium - it works enough on his anxiety that at least he doesn't actually pass out.

Anyhow, he took his valium before we left so I was able to get him out of the car into the surgery center with no problem. They took him back to get ready while I waited.

About thirty minutes later, they called me back. Erik is sitting on a chair, still dressed, looking anxious. Uh oh, I thought - this isn't good...

Turns out the anesthesiologist refused to do his surgery at the surgery center - because Erik has a diagnosis of sleep apnea, the surgery HAD to be done in a hospital. Now *I* am anxious. And annoyed.

I have to say, the surgeon was very good about taking charge of the situation - immediately reserved an operating room for that afternoon at the local hospital, even though it meant canceling all his appointments later in the day. He knew Erik had limited time for healing and I had limited time off.

Erik and I drove home, and he immediately crashed on the couch (the Valium was working pretty good) and I even got a nap in before the kids woke up. Erik didn't wake up again until I woke him up at noon to take another Valium and put on his shoes.

Everyone at the hospital was very nice and helpful. They did a great job of explaining everything that was going on, what to expect, how long it would be, etc. The surgeon came and went over the whole surgery and what he would do. The anesthesiologist came and explained why they made us reschedule.

And remembering how nervous Erik is, the surgeon gave an order for a lovely sedative that Erik found quite enjoyable, though he doesn't remember much...

His surgery was supposed to be at 1:30, but they didn't take him back until closer to 3. I settled into the waiting room - I had a book and crossword puzzles and was set. I sat down, and realized the chairs were THE MOST COMFY chairs... I promptly fell asleep.

And woke up at 5 - how I slept for two hours with all the noise and people I have no idea!! It wasn't too long before the recovery room called the waiting area to let me know Erik was done and in recovery.

Dr. Jordan came out not much later to tell me about the surgery - He said Erik's sinuses were pretty full of scar tissue from earlier surgeries. A few small polyps had to be removed. All in all, he didn't have to do much with the sinuses, which was good - no packing and no slats.

The tonsils - well, apparently they were pretty bad. Dr. Jordan seemed very surprised that they were never removed before given how they looked. Cruddy, full of scarring and even small crystals of gunk. He removed the uvula and trimmed the palate, which he said would give Erik a much larger airway.

At that point, the doctor suggest I go get something to eat - it was close to 6 and Erik wouldn't be up for visitors for awhile. I barely made it to the local deli to grab a sandwich when the recovery nurse called though!

By the time I ate (quickly, driving back to the hospital!), Erik was awake. He was SO groggy - he kept doing the repeating the same question over and over thing. It would have been funny except he just looked so pale.

He couldn't be released until his oxygen levels were up. He wasn't taking deep breaths between the pain in his throat and how sedated he still was (lots of morphine and the after effects of anesthesia). I kept having to wake him up, tell him to breathe deep... His oxygen would go up to 96. Then he'd drift out again, it would drop to 93.

After awhile he was awake enough that the nurse felt comfortable releasing him. He had so much less bleeding than I figured - he had one little trickle from one nostril on the way home and that was it.

I didn't think about the fact that he'd been on IV fluids for, um about 6 hours by that point... The whole way home he kept saying... hurry up, I gotta use the bathroom. Wow, did he have to pee!!

I got him all settled downstairs in the recliner - he has a little table set up with his medicine and gauze and anything else I think he might need. During the first day, I would wake him up every 4 hours to take his pain meds - trying to stay ahead of it so he wouldn't be too uncomfortable.

As the doctor said, his worst pain has been the past few days - the first couple days the post op steroids and anesthesia kept the pain level way down. Now he's really feeling it.

He's been good about keeping hydrated - he has consumed so much gatorade and apple juice! I've never been so glad for an ice maker!! Pudding, jello, ice cream, yogurt... Today I think we will try to add in mashed potatoes and broth.

Erik says he's hurting, but it's still not nearly as bad as he thought. Especially the sinuses - that's bothered him barely at all. Hardly any bleeding, no swelling or bruising. The throat is sore, but the pain meds seem to be controlling it pretty well.

So that's the update - I expected to be taking care of him much more! It's mostly just been making sure his drink is filled or getting more ice. And going to the grocery store to get more Gatorade and pudding.

Erik's mom came to stay with us for a few days as well, to help with the kids while I was at work. It was so nice to know she was here when I was out of the house! Erik is still pretty tired and the medicine does make him a bit loopy.

But he has Monkey Island and Halo 3 to keep him entertained!

Saying goodbye

I didn't even realize how long it has been since I've updated. I tend to post the day to day stuff on Facebook and have neglected posting more meaningful things here. But I am feeling the need to write in depth and that brings me back to my blog.

Last week we had our kitty Floyd put to sleep. I've had cats my whole life. I've had PETS my whole life. Several of them have been euthanized. But this... This was the first time I had to make the decision.

Erik & I adopted Floyd in the Summer of 1997. I remember thinking that he must be getting ready to propose if he wanted to get a kitten together. We got her from some neighbors who had taken her in after the mother cat got hit by a car and died. She was the only one of the litter that survived.

We named her Floyd, after Erik's favorite band Pink Floyd. We originally thought she was a boy. She was so little it was difficult to tell. Once she got older we realized we were wrong, but it seemed to fit - she really was Pink Floyd.

She was so little that she hadn't even been weaned. I could carry her in the palm of my hand. I would be her in the front pocket of my overalls and carry her around like a kangaroo. I had to mix kitten food with kitten formula (yes they do make such a thing) until she was old enough for regular food.

At the time I had long long hair and every night she would curl up in my hair to sleep. This was very cute when she was teeny weeny but the habit stuck and as she grew, she basically would curl completely around my head - from ear to ear. Erik called her my cat hat. In the Winter it was lovely and warm. In the Summer it would get quite hot, but the comfort of falling asleep to a purring cat in my ears outweighed the heat.

Floyd did not play well with others and as our kitty and human family grew, she never really bonded with any of our other pets or our children. She was mine. She was my kitty. She would tolerate Erik if I wasn't available, but whenever I sat down - she was on my lap.

She particularly loved the laptop - as soon as she heard the computer open, she'd come running - she knew that there would 1) soon be a lap forming and 2) it would be warm (she'd rest her head on the battery and go to sleep). Once my IT guy commented on the amount of cat hair in my laptop keyboard and asked if the cat was actually sleeping on the computer. Umm.... sorta yes?

But the life expectancy of a house cat is usually 10-15 years. We've had cats that lived much longer - 20 years, so I suppose I hadn't quite prepared myself for the fact that Floyd was, in fact, a senior citizen in cat years.

She first got sick last Fall - a UTI that put her in the kitty hospital for 3 days. She returned from that and did quite well for the next several months, but she was having other health problems. Her thyroid was bad. She had lost so much weight so fast that she was having liver problems. The thyroid medicine unfortunately caused problems with her kidneys.

Over the past few months, I noticed she was really starting to show her age. She no longer ate too much. She no longer wanted kitty treats. I had to lift her on to the sink because she couldn't jump.

So when we went on vacation and my friend called to tell me that she didn't think the cat was eating at all, I knew it was probably the beginning of the end for Floyd.

I came home to find that Floyd had dropped more weight. She had also developed a respiratory infection and had stopped grooming herself. Her eyes were crusty and glazed over.

She was still drinking water, but clearly wasn't eating. It was so difficult to decide what to do - I knew I could take her to the vet and they could put in an IV - hydrate her and give her nutrients. Give her antibiotics to treat the eyes and lungs... I wanted to save her and make her better.

But I knew that all I would do is prolong an ending that WAS coming. I had to let nature take its course. It was so difficult - so many days I felt like I was just letting her die. I felt so guilty for not doing everything I could to help her.

I tried to make her comfortable. I brought water and absorbant pads into the bedroom because she was having trouble walking to the water dish and the litter box. She still wanted to be on my lap. She still let me pet her. She would still purr. She still followed me from room to room.

But one by one, I saw the signs. She stopped eating. Then she stopped drinking. Then she stopped sleeping with me on the bed. The she would no longer purr when I scratched her chin. She would just sit quietly on the vent in the bathroom - the coolest place in the house.

I kept hoping that she would just pass away quietly during the night - and I wouldn't have to make the choice. But she held on - she held on until Erik and the kids got home from vacation. They got home, they unpacked, we went to dinner, and when we came home Floyd had gotten so bad she could no longer walk.

So it was time. I had prepared myself - I knew it was coming. I had made my peace with the fact that we might have to euthanize her. But still... I cried. I sat on the floor next to her and cried and apologized. And then it was time to go.

I was so impressed with the vet - we went to Harford Emergency Vet because it was late on Friday and nobody was open. We had called to tell them we were coming and from the moment we walked in, they were wonderful. They were kind and empathetic and understood how devastating and difficult the whole thing was.

Erik & I were allowed to stay with her. When we were ready, we got to hold her and pet her and tell her we loved her as she fell asleep and then drifted away. It was so fast, so peaceful. She just lowered her head and closed her eyes and exhaled and she was gone. I was glad I was there.

We buried her in the backyard. Marc cried when we poured the concrete over her body as he realized that he was never going to see her again. He said he'd miss how she always drank right out of his water glass when he wasn't looking. Lisey said she'd miss how she followed the sunbeams through the house. Erik shared his favorite memories of her. And I said I'd miss her sleeping on my head and sitting on my lap.

That was last Friday (the 10th). I spent most of the day Saturday crying. I really wasn't prepared to miss her as much as I did. I never realized how much she was just always THERE. I had her for 12 years - she was there pretty much every single day for twelve years.

You'd think with 3 other cats in the house I wouldn't notice. But I did. Because she wasn't on my lap. She wasn't curled up around my ears. She wasn't at her food dish. When I sat down to read she wasn't sitting in the middle of my book. She wasn't sleeping in the sunbeam.

We went to the pet store this week to buy a kitty door for our bedroom. Of course, the kids ran to look at the kittens. They want to know when we're getting a new one. I don't want a new one. I'd never thought I'd say that. I can't bear the thought of a new cat right now. I miss my cat and I don't want to replace her.

This week has been interesting - seeing how the other cats responded. Floyd never bonded with the other cats and they pretty much just fought all the time. So they don't seem to be "missing" her.

I asked Erik if he thought the other cats were being way more affectionate this week - he said no, they were always like that but since Floyd was always on my lap they never had a chance. So it seems the cats are now jockeying for the prime lap position.

And so life goes on. It goes on without Floyd. And Lester and Gus and Misty and Scarlett and Howie and all of the other animals that we loved and have since passed away. We still remember you and are thankful for the time we got to share, even if it is always just not quite long enough.

Updates on this and that

It's been a fun and good couple of weeks. I realized I hadn't really updated my blog in a month. Yikes!! Things have been pretty boring, in a good way. This weekend Erik did a lot around the house, mostly the garage actually. It looks great. He also spent a lot of time getting ready for his hiking trip next week.

Lisey has been a great helper all weekend. She helped Erik in the garage, helped do the grocery shopping and helped peel potatoes and make the sauce for a pot roast. She is great in the kitchen. I even let her quarter the potatoes with the "big girl" knife. I was hovering on that one, believe me. She did fine.

Marc cracks me up. He has gotten such a great sense of humor and I love spending time with him.

I am very convinced that our new kitten is actually a pooka. I could spend hours just watching his antics. His new favorite thing is to hide on the black towels (he blends in) and then pounce me when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Erik went to the ENT and got some not so great news. He needs to have his sinus surgery again to scrape the polyps and restraighten the septum. AND apparently his uvula is too big and nasal passages too small. So he has to have his tonsils and part of the uvula removed to help him breathe easier and hopefully get rid of the sleep apnea. I feel so bad for him. It's like a two week recovery.

Still no word on a start date for me. I try not to be too anxious about it, but I am seriously bored at work and have run out of things to do. I've moved on to cleaning out my filing cabinet and such. Hopefully the call will come soon...